carters chatter

could it be?

2012-02-03T09:15:00.001-06:00

They read you Cinderella
You hoped it would come true
That one day your Prince Charming would come rescue you
You like romantic movies
You never will forget
The way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet
All this time that you've been waiting
You don't have to wait no more

I can love you like that, I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth, if you were my girl
I will give you my heart, be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that

I never make a promise, I don't intend to keep
So when I say forever, forevers what I mean
I'm no Casanova, but I swear this much is true
I'll be holdin' nothin' back, when it comes to you
You dream of love that's everlasting
Well, baby open up your eyes

I can love you like that, I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth, if you were my girl
I will give you my heart, be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that

If you want tenderness, I've got tenderness
(Tenderness, tenderness)
And see through, to the heart of you
If you want a man who understands
(Want a man)
You don't have to look very far
I can love you

I can, I can love you like that, I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth, if you were my girl
I will give you my heart, be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me

I can love you like that, I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth, if you were my girl
I will give you my heart, be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me

I can love you like that, I would make you my world
Move heaven and earth, if you were my girl

can it be true?
could this happen?
i've loved this song for
so many. many years

is there even such a thing
as prince charming?

feeling sorry for me today
and wondering IF
he exists
or if its just
a childish dream?

i love my decor!

2012-02-02T07:49:00.000-06:00

i found this sa.weet coffee table on craigslist

oh craigslist how i love thee

my sweet. sweet ma MADE this for me

and i can't decide where to put it

on the end of my bed

or the back of my RED sofa

decisions.decisions.

but it's it lovely?

a labor of love

and my other project

a huge ugly brown frame

with an even uglier print

got a makeover

i've seen these chicken wire frames

on all my fave blogs

so i thought i'd try it

what a cute way to display pics

the words i used word to make myself

they say YOU ARE LOVED

and

be the change you want to see

we all need reminded of those things

i love. LOVE decorating

i'm having so much fun

finding the perfect pieces

yes, sometimes i have purchased

imperfect because i'm impatient

and have to re.sale on craigs

but

it all works out in the end

and this is MY lamp

you remember the gold version?

and my still lopsy shade

but i'm still looking for the right shade

but oh this green

it steals my heart

to air dirty laundry or not

2012-02-01T10:53:00.000-06:00

this is my current question
of the moment

to air your dirty laundry
on facebook, or your blog,
or twitter
okay basically any social media
that anyone
A.N.Y.O.N.E
can read?

i know i've done it
and regretted it
usually removed it
but the damage
the words are already out
and in the words of
phineas and ferb
"the internet is forever"

i recently read a blurb on
social media
that struck a chord
and i asked myself
should this be out here
for all to read?
remember kids grow up
and find themselves on
similar social media
and may be able to read
what you wrote

how about this media disaster
what about those 8 kids
who read?

now, i know i'm not perfect
as i've said i've done it
and probably have a many
blog posts from when i was raw
hopefully i reflected on my pain
and not bad mouthing
and i still struggle
with keeping my thoughts
bottled up

but seriously
divorced parents of the world
remember this one thing
kids hear all, see all, feel all
and read all
and they are the only ones
YOU (yeah, you the one who promised to love and protect them forever)
are hurting

sharing

2012-01-31T11:56:00.000-06:00

this is my baby

my girlie

my tiny bestie

my daughter

i love her with all my heart

and she loves me as much

this bond we have is

indestructable

she gets me

and i get her

don't get me wrong

we push. PUSH.

each others buttons

and i have to remind her

that i am the mom

this weekend i had my first

dose of real sharing

the sharing of her

that is

she did some fun stuff

with someone

that wasn't me

and it hurts a little

oh who am i kidding

it hurts a lot

but that smile

she wears

tells me it was worth it

to step out of my comfort

and share her

if you're wondering

i'm not so good at sharing

that basic kindergarten lesson

skipped my brain

and just for fun

here's a shot she

snapped of me

oh monday

2012-01-30T22:12:00.000-06:00

i had to share

remember my brassy gold lamp
that i paid ONE dollar for
this is it
painted
and if i didn't love it already
i love it even more
this was the best $1 i ever spent
now just need to get the shade fixed

i have another project i'm working on
no pics yet
and sadly i didn't take a before pic
but it's good

my weekend was full
how was yours?

iPhone love

2012-01-27T10:34:00.001-06:00

i am in love
with all the camera options
my iPhone has

today i missed

2012-01-26T09:54:00.000-06:00

today i had the strangest sensation
i was carrying a binder at work
and it rubbed against the
ring finger of my left hand
and
my heart started to race a bit
and i thought
oh no i've lost my wedding ring

yeah. true story.

i haven't wore my wedding ring
since february 26 of eleven
almost 365 days
i haven't missed it once

when i first took it off
it was in anger
and then the hurt just
covered over the rest

but today
of all days
i felt lost
panicked
almost went to look for it

but then i calmed myself
calling myself silly
(only in my head)
and reminded myself
that i no longer where
a ring there

i hope that is the
first
and
last
time that ever happens

wish list

2012-01-25T08:43:00.000-06:00

1. my coveted iPhone in white

2. iPhone cover...isn't it just the cutest

3. chairs, either will do really and i need 4

seen here or here

4. boots, oh i love thee

5. writing desk, you would look so cute in the corner of my living room

GUESS WHAT?!?!?!

i got #1
with an alternative case
(for now)

it

2012-01-24T14:10:00.000-06:00

i don't normally write unless i feel it
and lately
i haven't been feeling it
i don't even know what it is
but it happens when the words
just pour out of me
when my fingers can't type
fast enough

but right now i guess my brain
is still mashing it
cause there is no coherent stream
of thought

monday is OUR only night of
laziness
the rest of the week we are on
the go go
visit with dad
church (i've been bad & skipping)
cheer practice
bball practice
it's a crazy life
and
not one i enjoy
have i mentioned how much
i love to be at home
in the comfort of my own
stuff and peeps
that's where my it is
my true joy

i'm making some
HUGE
decisions
about a lot of its
so wish me luck
and of course
i will share when they've been made

mix and mash

2012-01-21T13:57:00.000-06:00

my brain feels like mash today
and i have a lot of mixed feelings

i'm kind of sick of feeling
any kind of feelings
i want them to go away
all except
HAPPY
that's the only feeling
i want from here on out

last night L played his first
basketball game
have i mentioned before how
i love to watch him play
he shot and made 3 of the 4
baskets they got
we didn't win
but for me him building his
confidence is much more important

miss E cheered her first game today
and of all the things she has done
so far in her short little life
trying to find something she has
passion and fire for...
cheer is it
she sparkled
and
i swelled with pride
for both of them
and bonus
this program teaches the word
of God
can you say awesomeness

and there were some peaceful
moments with their dad
which is so nice for me
but mostly for them
i've been watching them
when they see us interact
sometimes its so hard to
see that YOU the one
who is supposed to love them
the most and protect them
from all harm can be the
ones actually hurting them
no more looking back
and everything for them
e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

on a me note
had to go in for jewelry
change on my ear
woke up and it hurt like i
just pierced it
so he had to change my post
to a longer post
it hurts like it first got done
i'm a champ though and can deal

so that's my weekend update

peace out been sprout

lamp fail?

2012-01-17T21:04:00.003-06:00

so i saw this on another blog
yes, i'm a blog stalker
theee lamp

picture courtesy of http://www.contentedsparrow.com/

and i fell in love with them
and i want one of my own
so i found my lamp

and then i was on the hunt for the

shade

i found one for a few bucks

at the goodwill

so here's my attempt (and fail...)

the shade i found came apart

when i ripped the material out

crap

so i thought i could still wing it

well

the bottom ring is out of whack

and crooked

so it makes the top crooked

and sit funny on the lamp

and stresses me out a bit

i don't expect perfection

but i want it to look straight

so i'm back on the hunt for

a new lamp shade

plus side

when i bought my chicken wire

i had to buy a whole roll.....

and i also found a giant frame

at the goodwill

that i'm going to add chicken wire too

stay tuned for updates......

i did

2012-01-15T21:02:00.000-06:00

pierced my ear
i seen this done many years ago
and thought i want that done
but then days went by
and years went by and i forgot
but lately i've been thinking
about it again
went out with some friends
on friday
hung out with someone who
does piercing (and tatooing)
and he said he'd do it
so i did it

it hurt a little
but now hurts a lot
but i still love it

comfort

2012-01-12T11:21:00.001-06:00

i've been spending time
looking
searching
for the perfect pieces to make
my apt mine

let me show you....

THE BEFORE

it had some key elements that i planned to keep

the couch

(now i wish i had bought used...found some

GREAT pieces)

the chair (not the lime and pink ones)

the tv and tv "stand"

and the map with license plates

but it was definetely missing

a homey touch

pieces....

my yellow metal cart (thrifted)
my ONE dollar lamp

my gas pump, aqua C

my new signs and sprockets

i rearranged

got a 2nd metal cart

for my laptop(s) and printer

coffee table thrifted twenty bucks

love. love my chairs.

and those pillows were a gift

from my talented aunt. love.

now here are some wants....

that i refuse to pay retail for

love these chairs. love them.
and the table is adorbs.
it would look so cute in my apt.
to purchase here

this is the style lamp shade i
want.....i'm hoping that i can
thrift one
but if anyone, anyone...has one
or sees one really. really cheap
snatch it up for me and call me
cause i plan on tearing the material
out and making something
i saw on another blog....

my living room is almost
complete
its ours
and its us

million thoughts

2012-01-11T09:49:00.000-06:00

i have a million
maybe a bazillion
thoughts rolling around
in my mind
i see a wise woman
once a month
well, i think she's wise
and i do see her once
a month
for a good chatting session
(okay, yes counseling)
(and don't judge...i need
a wise woman to kick my butt
once a month...being trapped
in your head is hard)
and she says
we fake it until we make it
that struck me
we do, don't we?
fake it
i know i fudged my way
through a lot
always searching for the
right way
the efficiant way
the fast way
the easy way
oh the easy way
and still don't feel
like i've made it
in anything

i'm muddling through
parenthood
trying to do the best
i can by my kids
do i always
heck no, i fail a lot
failing is human
but will they look back
and know without a doubt
mom loved them
heck yes
i'm muddling through this job
doing what i can every day
and hoping its enough
i'm muddling through life
choosing which path to take
which step to climb
if it will lead me to this peace
or that peace
where will i find the peace
i need?
we fake it until we make it

how about that thought for today?

hey.

2012-01-10T10:43:00.000-06:00

most say hi.
i'm more of a hey girl.

i'm totally random today.

this quote keeps running through my mind.

God doesn't give you the people you want
He gives you the people you NEED
to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you
and to make you the person you were meant to be.

beautiful.
simple.

winds of change

2012-01-09T11:09:00.000-06:00

as you all know
i'm divorced
life changes when you divorce
you lose your best friend
but if you are divorcing
chances are he stopped
being your best friend
long before this moment

but what about those other
friendships
you've made
the ones you know you made
as a married girl?
do those change?

it's been almost a year
since the BIG split
i know when i heard of splits
while married
i'd usually hold him tighter
and say a little thank you
that it's not me
but then
it became me
and i wouldn't be surprised
if my friends
went home and hugged a little
tighter that night
thankful that it wasn't their
life changing
and my friends stood by me
held my hand
and my head
wiped my tears
but
now it's almost a year later
and the winds they are a
changing

how do married girls
and single girls
stay the test of time
and remain friends?

you know when you first
got married and you had single
friends...well they kinda slipped
outta your life
does the same thing happened
with your divorced friends?
do they have the plague?
you might catch the divorce?
or how do they feel about
being around love and
great husbands
that they no longer have
it's a two way street to travel

so i ask you today
what do you think
can marrieds maintain a
good friendship
with singles?
can singles maintain a
good friendship
with marrieds?

oh the winds they
are a changing......

unplugged

2012-01-07T10:26:00.001-06:00

i decided that my kids
needed a night without
my phone
yes, my phone
it's usually attached to my left
hand
and it's our only phone
so...that meant no calls
no texts, no emails

i had miss E pick a game
(she LOVES to play games)
and L picked the movie
i threw a couple pizzas in
the oven
and we started to play

was the game of choice
i should have known
it was my fave when i was her age
and its her fave now
L picked

adam sandler is his fave
and this movie is just cute
no matter how many times
you view it

we had so much fun
we laughed
they argued
one can't spin the wheel right
the other tries to boss
but all in all
it was a good night
a good game
a good movie
and good, good
family time
it was nice to not have my
phone interferring

and then we all climbed
into my bed for a sleepover
we were up early
and i made french toast
for breakfast
and now it's on to a lazy
saturday

enjoy your weekend

in an instant

2012-01-04T11:03:00.000-06:00

one year ago today this happened

jan four 20eleven
around 4:45pm
my babes and i were in
this car
survived this accident
walked away with nothing more
than sore bodies
and scared minds
but
our lives changed forever
see
i saw God in action
that day
He'd been trying to send me
smaller clues
knocking on my door
but
i couldn't hear
or see yet
until this day
God placed my baby brother
at the scene of this accident
he watched the entire thing
and in the blink of an eye
he was there gathering
my babes into his car
making sure i was okay
taking care of us
if God wanted my attention
he sure had it
i know some would say
IF that was God, he would have
stopped the accident
but i don't believe like that
every single thing in life happens
for a reason
and God sent me my baby brother
to wake me up
to show me Him
to BELIEVE

i didn't quite know how much
i was going to rely on God
in the next weeks and months to follow
at this point
but this day
jan 4, 20eleven
changed me
my life
forever....

new to the apt

2012-01-03T16:26:00.000-06:00

i've made some changes to the little apt

i wanted to show you.....

had this little thing under my cabinet
but no glasses for it, well i bargained these
for 75 cents

got this cute little gas tank for christmas
and found the c at a store

new additions to my route 66/car theme

thrifted this cart and thought it
be perfect for my electronics
love it

my $1 working lamp
i'm gonna spray paint it
not sure what color yet

thrifted this for miss E's room

my gifted chairs
love. love them.

right now

2012-01-02T20:39:00.000-06:00

i've read many a blogs
with picture highlights of eleven
top 5 posts
and
i'm just feeling more like talking
about right now

don't get me wrong, eleven
had some stellar moments
for me and my two
but
right now is more important
to me

right now
i'm laying in a comfortable bed, blogging
my two are laying in their warm beds
drifting off to dream land
my heats a blazing
and it's sooo cold out
so
i have a lot to be thankful for
right now
and
right now
i'm so happy
i don't have a reason
i don't need a reason
i'm just slap happy
i feel amazing right now
my life is pretty perfect
right now
and
that's that

how are you right now?

twenty 12

2012-01-01T16:00:00.001-06:00

today i opened the paper to read
the LIFE announcments
marriages, anniversaries, babies, birthdays
and the horoscopes happen
to be on the same page today
now i firmly agree
i fit the personality of a virgo
to a tee
but i don't faithfully read
my horoscope
but
today
the first day of this NEW year
this is what my horoscope read

i cut it out

i took a pic of it

i'm putting it everywhere

it could not have been more perfect

for today

my new year

this NEW year

on another note though

i deleted my entire phone book

on my phone....so trying to recover

that has been tons o' fun

happy twenty 12 everyone!

december thirty one

2011-12-31T10:13:00.000-06:00

wishing you and yours a blessed

20twelve

light bulb

2011-12-30T21:58:00.000-06:00

this week has been long
and difficult
some things were brought out
last weekend
and i decided
i'm not exactly healed
from this year
i still hold a lot of
resentment and pain

many times i've thought
i'm healed
i'm over the past
and then one thing
one action
pulls me right back into the hurt
the pain
the confusion
and it's raw all over again

and then the light bulb
goes off

i am happy
right now
i feel joy in my heart
right now
i am my own person
right now
i live for me and my babes
right now
i answer to no one
right now
i have free reign on decorating
right now
i am an incredible single woman
right now
and
i will never give up myself again
e.v.e.r.
so why sit and dwell on what was

what was is over
and
i'm better off

i love learning all the things i can take care of
on my own
i love seeing the joy on my babes faces
when i do something they didn't think i could
i love knowing i'm showing them
to pull up your boot straps
and keep walking

today

2011-12-27T08:49:00.000-06:00

i spent a few hours this
past weekend reflecting

reflections....can be good
and dangerous for a person
like me
i'm all out brutal to myself
when i reflect
i tell myself the cold hard truth
the truths that not many friends
could muster up and say to me

a year
was a blog post i wrote
but didn't publish
a year ago
i was married
and we'd argued before Christmas
about a gift for someone
i won the argument
but did i really win?
what did i win?
because 2 short months later
he moved out
and today i'm not married
a year ago
my life was worked out
i had the dream
but who's dream?
where did the dream come from?
so many things change in a year
so many stay the same
and
we lose people we love
we move on to new beginnings
we find peace and love we didn't know existed
(well, okay i did that...thank you Jesus)
the point
we keep moving forward
opening new doors
(thanks walt disney for the words)

so back to today

today i am blessed
today i'm thankful
i have ahhh.mazing parents
who spoiled us rotten
but not with just gifts
but with love
love that knows no boundaries
love that's always there
love, pure unconditional, love
and i couldn't ask for better parents
or grandparents for my kids

today, i have the GREATEST kids ever
today and every day they buck up
they help out
they show me their strength in the face
of adversity
they had to grow up a lot in the last year
and they did it with no complaints

today is a new day
a day i look forward to living

how does your today look?

have a

2011-12-23T11:00:00.001-06:00

VERY, VERY

i'm on hiatus for a bit
enjoying my babes
and the family i love
and the peace
and happiness
i feel this time of year

it's taken me 35 years to realize
that christmas is love
not gifts, not greed, not money
but pure
LOVE

Christmas tour

2011-12-22T19:41:00.000-06:00

here's a small tour of holiday at our little apt

i didn't put much out this year

but we did what we could

it's the hap happiest time of the year

baking betties

2011-12-20T16:28:00.000-06:00

i had the best day on saturday
a friend invited me and another friend
over to bake goodies
all kinds of goodies
and then we packed them up
and are blessing others with our
treats
i dubbed us the
baking betties
here we are.....

a long with all our treats
we laughed
we talked about God
we had a great time

BELIEVE

2011-12-18T21:27:00.000-06:00

a lot happens when you
stray from God, church
in several weeks

first, you get lost
and confused
how do i know this?
because
i've been lost and confused

but let me tell you
God works

to say i've been dealing
with a lot would be
selfish of me
God deals with the worlds
fears, happiness, worries...

my grandma fell
broke her leg
BUT
she's alive
and she's fighting
and she's not giving up

a dear friend
witnessed a terrible
life changing tragedy
BUT
she's still here with us
she's listening to her FAITH

someone important to my kids
has cancer & it's spreading
like a wild fire
BUT
she believes
she trusts Jesus
will save her

you can dwell on the
negatives that happen
daily
OR
you can put the but in there
and see the greatness
that comes from tragedy
and
BELIEVE

i found my way back in
church today
my front pew
my familiar
my pastor
my church family
and it was
the best hour of
my last 7 or so weeks
it makes me ask myself
why do you try to lead?
why do you not follow easily?
why do question your belief?

i've asked 2 very special
people to come to our
Christmas eve service
and i'm praying that
God will help me get them there

BELIEVE!
see the love of Jesus
all around you.

i heart

2011-12-12T19:38:00.000-06:00

cheesy Christmas movies....

i can't help it
if there is one on,
you'll find me watching it or
dvr.ing it

this weekend was
a boyfriend for Christmas
annie claus is coming to town
and i'm sure there will be more
this weekend
even this week
if i can catch them
i usually dvr them

i'm a cheesy girl at heart

in other great news
i found the cutest
little metal cart
on craigslist
which i heart
and i can't wait to put it
where i deemed it would go
by the tv
holding my satellite
dvd, and Wii
it's yellow
so bright and festive

i love vintage pieces
now i'm on the lookout for a
metal round coffee table
yes i know...tricky
but i will find it with the right
eyes and patience
and my little place
is coming together piece
by piece

i heart this time of year

me....raw, unedited

2011-12-10T07:16:00.000-06:00

hi!
this is me.
this is me every single day.
no make up.
no dresses.
no heels.
no foo.foo.
i'm simple.
but complicated.
i'm a jeans
t.shirt & tank girl.
i add a sweater for warmth.
apple green chucks
uggs
or
flip flops
are on my feet
i don't vary from this
hardly ever
i'm a creature of comfort
i'm not perfect
but i am
ME

and here is what i think about
ME
i'm cute
i'm simple on the outside
but my mind is complex
i have a great smile
pretty eyes
cute feet (when i give them tlc)
i'm the right height
an awesome writer
pretty good momma
and daughter
perfect tattoos
heart perfectly on my sleeve
loves love
friend
AND
i'm okay with being ME

i'm perfectly content
being ALONE with ME
even if it's forever
because i choose
to make ME
happy
and i'm the only ME
that can make ME happy

really, yes truly

2011-12-09T11:37:00.002-06:00

this is what matters
i've been lost
i've pulled away from Jesus
i've distanced myself from fam
i've tried to keep my kids
at arms distance
to save them the pain
do you know how much pain
a child of divorce carries?
without having their momma
adding to it?
i know, i know
kids are resilient
kids survive
kids adjust
kids in africa are drinking
filthy water with horrible living conditions
i do realize that others have it
way worse than me and mine
but my focus, my goal
was to keep MY pain from them
and all i did was hurt them more
because they FEEL the disconnect
they act out because of it
and in my battle of will with God
i realized all of this
in one calming, exact moment
that
it's okay for them to see my pain
because then they see me rise above it
they see me deal with it and cope
and they learn from me
and that they'd rather have me
thisclose and hurt
than distant and closing off

i have many, many moments to be
thankful for
but these 2 babes
gave me the best moments of my life
and God chose me to be their
momma

i'm still figuring this new life out
it's a different journey just the 3 of us
the sting of loneliness takes over
but i know now that i have 2 little souls
that i can count on and teach and
most importantly
LEARN from
and we will keep moving forward
opening new doors
and never looking back
and
we have God to thank
every.single.day

makeover?

2011-12-08T21:05:00.000-06:00

so i wanted something diff
for my blog header
and now i'm not sure
is it too simple
not me?

oh it's going to have to grow on me
i love my chatter teeth
it's so me
and the vibrant colors

but green is my fave
oh blah blah
let's see how it goes.....

fans? what are your thoughts?

mis.placed anger

2011-12-08T13:09:00.000-06:00

i've been struggling lately
not sure if should confess
it here
but
i'm taking that chance
and bearing my soul

right now i'm feeling
angry at God

yes i said it
i've been angry at God
for a few months it seems
but i've tried to shove it down
deep, far away
because what kind of person
gets angry at God?

i was broken when Jesus
walked into my life
my heart was a gaping hole
and He filled it
He made me feel whole again
and
then i made my pledge, my confession
my testimony to God
and rejoiced in the love i was feeling
celebrated with family, friends
an amazing church family
and one awesome pastor
then
i turned a corner
and started walking
ALONE again
and i've tried to get back on track
i sat in church on sunday and wept
hearing God speak to me
and i thought i was back
but i keep turning that corner
and trying to walk on my own
so
my anger at God
is in fact mis.placed
because
God isn't to blame
he's been here all along
i'm the one to blame
i'm the one to be angry at
i'm the one who keeps trying
to think i'm smarter than God
and i'm not
we aren't

i'm trying to find my way back God
i miss you
but i stand in my own way a lot
so a swift kick might be in order

an impromptu vaca

2011-12-07T09:08:00.000-06:00

i got busy last week
after my confession
don't get it wrong
i stayed on my journey
wrote in my food journal
kept the snacks down
and tried to eat better
BUT
my mind was elsewhere
my heart was fluttering
i was getting some attention
that i've been missing

admittedly it was a great
fantastic week
he was awesome
seemingly Mr Right
through words
but what is it they say
about words....they can be
decieving?
anyway my affection
came to a halt on
friday eve
i've spent a few days
reflecting
wondering
questioning
and i just couldn't write
about it
until now
today i woke up
and made that decision
I'M BACK
no one will keep me down
everything happens for a reason
and you can't MAKE it happen
it just happens

health

2011-11-30T14:55:00.000-06:00

here it is
i'm fat
there i said it
i'm not shy about it
it is what it is
i love myself
and am happy to be me
but this is the ONE area
i'm angry at me for
yes, angry
i've allowed myself to
HIDE
behind this wall of skin and flab
protecting me from me
and all that i can be
and now
i have
high blood pressure
and diabetes
and i'm angrier at myself
for letting it get this far
SO
i'm starting new
i'm making a committment
to ME
to eat better
to cook
(gasp....please pray for me & the kids)
and to walk
walking is where i begin
hopefully i'll build up to running
i have enlisted 2 ladies
who are already on the road
to nutrition and health
to keep me in line at work
(you know with the food)
and now i gotta find a work out buddy
someone who will walk 2 blocks
if that's all i can make it at first
but someone that won't let me quit
even if/when i get mad at them
for making me
i really need a
JILLIAN MICHAELS
but someone closer to home will do

reasons
i want a healthy LONG life for my kids
i want to feel great in my skin
GOALS
lower my blood sugar & pressure
so i can get off meds
loose pounds
eat better (feel better)
have more energy

i will attempt to keep you posted
i have an idea
i should take a full body shot
and post it
that way we can SEE the difference
i'm a very visual person....

here's to health!

burnt

2011-11-29T16:12:00.001-06:00

so i had this FAB idea
throw dinner in the crock pot
and it'll be all done by the time
we are ready for dinner

so this a.m.
i tossed 3 potatoes
topped with foil
(and yes some water)
then i put 3 pork chops
on top with bbq sauce
and walked away
it was an expirement

and

it went wrong!
our dinner was fastly
burnt
in fact
i can't even get one
potatoe out of the crock
and the foil
well some of it stuck too

so it looks like
we're having
cereal for dinner
yummy

note to self
live and learn
add a little more water
next time
and low temp

let it go

2011-11-28T16:24:00.000-06:00

i'm a worrier
i'm an over thinker
i always think i'm right
i have to have the last word
i'm obsessive
i'm a little cooky
and
i wear my heart on my sleeve

i've given this a lot of thought
this topic
and i need to say it
get it off my chest
and
let it go

LET IT GO
kind of like
LET IT BE

so...
i made a sarcastic comment
to a "friend"
and i am big enough to admit
it was rude
it wasn't a comment a "friend"
should have made
but
in fairness
we have a joke/joke "friendship"
and i was laughing when i said it
and teasing
but then i walked away
and it hurt this "friend"
and now i'm hurt
like i said
i thought we had that joke/joke
friendship
well, i guess not
and
i guess our friendship
didn't mean as much
as i thought it did
so i'm letting it go
writing it out
and moving on
YES, i was in the wrong
YES, i've said i was sorry
a couple hundred times
but the friend is hurting
by a few little words
words i thought were harmless
but were harmful

i contemplated even
writing about this here
said friend won't ever see this
and
people who read this will
have their opinions and comments
but in the end
i gave it a lot of thought
and decided to write it
express myself
and let it go

friend
know that i'm sorry to the
bottom of my heart
and hope that you'll forgive me
but i know our friendship
will never be the same
i am so sorry for being
a sarcastic, smarty pants, big mouth
my humor didn't go over well
this time

this is me letting it go

happy

2011-11-28T07:23:00.000-06:00

today is MY day
i choose to wake up
with a smile on my face
and love in my heart

it makes me want to say

happy
happy
bo bappy
banana fanna
fo fappy
fee fie mo mappy
happy

silly little saying
but it makes me smile
a lot

so watch out world
this girl
she's happy
and she's contagious

changed my mind

2011-11-27T12:08:00.001-06:00

so i changed my mind
about going private

i write what i feel
at that moment
right or wrong
it's in my heart
and needs an outlet

in a way this is my diary
my journal
my journey through days
it's my outlet
yes it's public
yes it's read by a few
and
if you don't like what i say
then don't read
it's simple

life is too short
to be upset all the time

so, this is me changing my mind
once again
(hey, i'm a woman, i'm allowed)
and going public
with my thoughts
my fears
my joys
my life

thanks, thankful, thanksgiving

2011-11-26T10:03:00.000-06:00

i have SO many reasons to be thankful
to say thanks
and to enjoy thanksgiving

two beautiful ahhh.mazing kids
who love me like no one can
rents who love and support me
no matter how many bad choices i make
nephews who are incredibly adorable
and who love me and i so love them
a grammy whom is stronger than i
could ever be
an extended family who is awesome
and
so many precious friendships that
i truly treasure
i'm so thankful for the people in my life
they make every single day thankful
to be me

thanksgiving was great
i delivered meals on wheels to
5 elderly people with my
sweet 15 year old cousin
we had a great time and it felt
so good to help people
the smiles on their face was priceless
and enough to be thankfult that
we were able to put it there for a few minutes
followed by a delicious dinner at my rents
then a visit with my grammy
she sprung the home to have
turkey with my aunt and uncle

then the black friday shopping
that actually starts on thursday
oh my
it was crazy
and admittedly not as much fun
as i've had in the past
the deals just weren't
anything i wanted

but i love being with my momma
so i go to watch people
and we did meet some really
nice peeps in lines

so my message, my ramblings
be thankful
for every single day
give thanks
and enjoy life

dislike

2011-11-23T17:55:00.000-06:00

if this were facebook
we still don't have a dislike button
but i would install one

i dislike being private
i had to do it though
to protect my words
my thoughts
my self

i hope it's temporary
and that i can go back
to being me
i share this blog
with you
because i'm an open person
and maybe, somehow
i will help a reader
in some way
find her or his way

but this is what it is
and it's not going to change
right now

thanks for continuing to read

private

2011-11-22T19:34:00.000-06:00

well, for now the time has come
for me to take this blog
private

i don't know if it's forever
but it's right for now

so please
if you want to still read
send me your email address
(use that little contact button, please)
and i'll grant you access

thanks fans for your support

much love

my kissmas wish list

2011-11-21T16:56:00.000-06:00

i love the way little kids say Christmas
and though i know am understanding
the real reason for the holiday
i'm still like a little kid and want to make
a list.....

enjoy!

bogs

the ultimate winter boot

for crazy winter snow

http://www.bogsfootwear.com/shop/index.html

love this bag

have it in a fern moss green

but want it in platinum (grey)

i'm so not into shoulder bags

http://moseylife.com/

love this necklace

with L and miss E on it of course

it's on my 36 list....

http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/brave-love-necklace-P124C32.aspx

and of course amazon gift cards

to load up my kindle with new books

what's your list?

just for fun!

of course, you knew this was coming, right?

2011-11-20T11:21:00.002-06:00

long title
yes i know
but this is worth it.....

unless you live under a rock
(which i admit i like to do)
you know that

BREAKING DAWN
came out Friday!

oh.
my.
freaking.
pete.

yes, i'm cheesy
i don't care if you know it

so let me just say
it's a tradition for me
and my bestie (see)
to see each movie
together
yes i may go first
but i HAVE to go with her
it's a tradition
and she's my #1 blog reader (aka fan...)
so i won't say anymore

BUT

i love. love Twilight and all the movies

BUT

i'm so, so, so, so much
more excited to finally see this
become a movie......

M
G

read the books
read the books
and read the books!

my only thought....i'm not crazy
about the boy who plays Peeta
hopefully he changes my mind.
because i'm 100% team Peeta.

just when you think

2011-11-19T10:58:00.000-06:00

you can give up
and walk on
away and away
something comes along
and surprises you

actually knocks you off
your feet

yeah, that happened to me

i wish my heart felt ready
to fully write about it
to let the world wide web
and my avid readers (fans)
know

but
i'm not that ready

just know that something
happened
that completely has caught me
by surprise
and i'm not all that sure
what it is

but
i know i'm not going to
over analyze
because i tend to do that
and i'm going to truly
enjoy this
savor it
and most of all
stop
thinking

the perplexity of life

2011-11-15T17:28:00.000-06:00

i do not understand some actions
of others in this big ole' world
and i know that i never will
i have to let it go
i tend to hole up in my own
little world
and stay there
i don't care what you are doing
or what they are doing
or what those people are doing
i find inspiration for decor
and stuff like that on blogs
but i don't NEED to know
every detail of that blog writers
life
nor do i want to
i like seeing beauty
in beauty
i can stay in my hole
la.la.ville
that's where i'm happiest
that's where i'm most content

i don't care if you have better than me
i'm happy for you
because what i have is good enough
for me

i love my life
did you hear that
I LOVE MY LIFE
i don't want your life
i don't need your life
i'm happy
again
I AM HAPPY

my life isn't perfect
it isn't june cleaver.ish
it isn't yours
but it's mine
my version of perfect
and as june cleaver.ish
as i want it

what a weekEND

2011-11-13T21:21:00.001-06:00

weekends are for relaxing, right?

ha.
ha.
ha.

let me tell you about mine

L had to sale some community books
to raise money for his schools
new computers
so off to the store we went
bright and early
Saturday morn
my mom joined us
but
she ended up sick on the way
with the
FLU
yes, folks, the flu.
so we dropped L off and
had to get back home
luckily a friend was taking L home
so we didnt' have to stay

then
around 630ish i got a phone call
one of my dear friends dad
passed away
unexpectedly
immediately i started texting
those girls
are like sisters to me
i felt like i lived there at one
point in my life
heart break

then
around 930 a booming knock
on the apt door
my mind "who in the world is here this late"
oh, guess who the ARL
yes, folks the animal rescue league
my pup
lucky the craze.eee beagle
howls when we are absent from the home
my lovely, gracious neighbors called the
police
THE POLICE
ON MY DOG!
so he gave the warning
if we have to come back ma'am we
will fine you and MAY remove the
animal from the premises
as if he's a criminal
he simply misses us
sheesh

so
i thought i was going to bed
and my phone rang
950 pm
my grandma fell
and they think she broke her hip
WHAT?
oh my.
WHAT?
i am freaking out people
my kids are asleep
and you know since i'm divorced
i have no one to leave them with
i have to stay home
and not know what is going on
AHHHHHHHHH
but alas
my momma texted me at 1219 a/pm
and grammy ended up breaking her
FEMUR bone
which happens to be the
BIGGEST bone in your body
and has to have surgery
so i tried to sleep
but awoke at 711am
ready to see my grammy
i had to take the kids to my
mom, who was feeling a little better
and then i made my way to the hospital
and sat and chatted with my spitfire Grandma
she's tough
and she's determined
but this is a LOoOoOong road to recovery
there are things i don't want to here
specifically
nursing homes
nursing facilities

i watched my great grammy
move from home to home
and deteriorate each time
i watched her neighbors around her room
deteriorate and beg, plead, beg for HELP
and no one came
the thought of leaving my grammy in a home
makes my stomach twist and turn
if only there was a way
for me to be her care, her help
and not lose my job and make $
i'd be there
so as of now
i'm ignoring those words
praying
and praying
for one step at a time
surgery went well
surgeon said really well in fact
and that was what i prayed for today
tonight i prayed for grammy to sleep well
and tomorrow i'll start again

so no my weekend was relaxing
and i know God knows what he's doing
but i wish the tests weren't so hard
sometimes

my heart is with my friends
and my pup
and my grammy
split
wishing I, me personally, could be
with each and everyone

i should also mention that today
11.13.11
is my grammy's 78th birth day

thankful

2011-11-11T09:37:00.000-06:00

i've been doing a thankful status
every day on facebook
so i thought i'd post it here
because
i'm so very thankful

day 1: being miss E's momma
(she's been sick a lot lately...)
day 2: being a momma. period.
day 3: my parents
day 4: Jesus Christ and the love
he has given me, once i let him in
day 5: my little apt
day 6: my nephews!
day 7: music
day 8: friends (they are my chosen fam)
day 9: my Ugg boots
day 10: my bed and blankets
day 11: LIFE
day 12: to be posted
and so on....

thankful for life
on today
11.11.11
veterans day

miss E has been chatting
a lot about veterans day
flags, and memories

i'm glad that she goes to a school
that teaches them about days like
this
and i'm glad she absorbs it all
it's nice to chat with her about
what we understand

we all remember
we all honor and support
in our own way

and i'm thankful
for all of that too!

unexpected surprise

2011-11-10T09:32:00.000-06:00

do you know the feeling of
when you find out something
that you didn't expect
it's shocking at first
then grows a little exciting
and it builds and builds?

i'm not sure i'm a fan of that
i like consistency
routines
i like to know what tomorrow
is almost going to be like

like waking up to snow on
wednesday
that was kind of an
unexpected surprise
because we know
we can't trust the
weather forecasters
they get it wrong a lot

but this unexpected surprise
knocked me off my feet
took the wind out of my sails
and has been one of the best
things to happen to me

i went looking for one thing
and ended up with a different

a friend

a friend i didn't know
i wanted
or needed
swept into my life
whirlwind
and completely
shocked me
some days i still can't believe it
this friend puts up with my
rants and tangents
my craziness
and questions galore
i'm sure this friend gets sick of me
but never turns me away

thank you for coming into my life
whirlwind and all
and thank you for staying
even though i don't always deserve it

normal

2011-11-09T07:35:00.002-06:00

having a convo
with my 8 year old
miss E
the other day

she stated
i want MY normal life back

ouch
i knew what she meant
as it would be we were chatting
about me believing in forever love
now
don't misunderstand
my daughter has watched all disney princesses
find their prince charmings
she believes in love
and happily ever after
and
i don't keep secrets from my children
they watched first hand what this
year has done to momma
and are also watching first
hand momma rebuild
and find her happy
which
isn't at the hands of another
it's because i choose it

anyway
so i knew she was talking about
momma, daddy, L and her
together again
that was her normal
that was her safety

i explained that we
make our own normal
and that we have each other
the 3 musketeers
all for one, one for all
and that she has that with daddy too
but we live apart
and we can and will be as normal
as any family all living together

it was a tough convo
but it was the right time to have it
because she needed to see
me handle it
and she needed me to say
we are our version of normal

life isn't cookie cutters
people change
and things change

i'm so thankful for
our normal
and i know miss E is
happier with it now

everything

2011-11-08T07:57:00.001-06:00

lately i feel as if i have
everything
a girl could ask for

i have my health
mostly
my 2 babes
who i love like crazy
a cozy little apt
that i love
a job that works with me
ahhh.mazing rents
family whom i adore
and
friends that i could not
live without

a fulfilled life
a life i dreamed of

yes some days are hard
some lonely
but those days
are few
and far between

i feel truly blessed
and
truly happy
for the first time in
a really long time

apt tour

2011-11-07T09:03:00.001-06:00

i don't know if you know
but i'm fallling in love
with my little apt
(thats apartment for short)
i love getting the chance
to put my touch on things
my way.....

so i thought i'd share tid bits with you......

behold

the apt

the living room

other side of living room - i'm holding out for something funky to store my wii and dvd/satellite stuff

living room wall - love, love....cali plate is on its way

hallway

kitchen

kids bath, dogs home....

miss E's room

hall between kids rooms

L's room

my boudouir...

my $40 dresser - love

my funky little bath

in case you missed this lovely chair in the living room...my sister from another mister gave to me
(and bonus...theres a 2nd one I haven't picked up yet)

newest obsession....globes

ode to CB

2011-11-06T08:51:00.001-06:00

i hope you know who you are!

i'm so lucky to know you
i know we met years ago
at pre.k
our girls were shy little buttons
oh who i'm kidding
my girl has never been shy
but they were little....oh boy
i adored the cheese immediately
our friendship was slow in the beginning
but not our girls
they dove in head first
i remember growing closer in
kindergarten
and thinking how did this not happen
sooner.....
meeting the other members of your fam
was crackers to the cheese
mr B is a gem (which i know you know)
and K a doll i adoroe

you are an amazing friend
it's hard to believe
twilight started this
and in a few short weeks
we'll be seeing the beginning of the end
of our beloved stories

it's only been a few years
but it seems like it's been
lifetimes
your friendship is a gift i treasure
every single day
you support me when i'm hyper
you laugh with me when i'm goofy
you smile with me when i'm happy

i so hope i'm returning those
same things.....

thank you for
being my friend
encouraging my reading
and
reading and loving my blog

noticeable change

2011-11-06T07:59:00.001-06:00

so the shared weekends
have begun
one weekend mine
one his
the hardest noticeable change
with the decree finally signed
the rules went into effect
rules..
who would have ever thought
when you have kids with the man
you love
there'd be rules in place
for their well being
as if you forget to be a mom
just because your no longer a wife

these weekends are odd
i know these are the days
i can make plans
or sit home and read for hours
if i want
ME
no one else
no one to take somewhere
no one to make lunch for
no one to care for
except ME
it's odd
it's new
it can be lonely
but it can be great too
it helps me appreciate the time
i have with them more
to make the most of that time
and to make the most of my time too

cause you know i haven't been to good
to me through the years

change can be beautiful
it's not my favorite thing in the world
but i keep reminding myself
that it
can be beautiful
and
the kids need this time with him
too

selfish

2011-11-05T07:45:00.001-05:00

i think it's time i became
selfish

i know
i know
how unbelievable of me

but let me explain.....

i've lived my life
for others
i'm 35
and am tired
of pleasing you and you and you
but never me

i have priorities
that will NOT suffer
from my selfishness
i have responsibilities
that will also NOT suffer
from my selfishness

but this year has taught me
a lot
i have to live for ME
you know the person i forgot
in the last 35 years
mostly the last 15 though

so this is your warning
you may not like me
after i learn to take care of me
but if you love me
like i know you do
you'll be proud of me
for finally, finally
looking out for me

i'm no longer going to do
what i don't want to do
i'm going to learn to say NO
when i want to say it
i'm going to surround myself
with people who make me happy
i'm going to talk about Jesus
i'm going to voice MY opinions
i'm going to dance in the rain (if i feel like it)
i'm going to make this next chapter
all about me
me, me, me
and just because
it makes me feel happy

i just may kiss you when i meet you

h.a.p.p.y

2011-11-04T09:06:00.001-05:00

happy
HAPPY
Happy
hApPy

the word is contagious
doesn't it make you just want to smile?
it makes me want to shine

when i feel happy
i wanna.....
sing in the rain
dance on the rooftops
love the world
kiss everyone i meet
see that glass half FULL
and just smile

i found my HOW
my true passion
my "calling"
now it's just taking that leap
leap of faith
leap into unknown

i'm going to write
i want to be a writer
i want to publish a book
a book with my name on the cover

i'm so happy
i've known for sometime
it was my way to reach people

so doing my happy dance
and my nervous one too

but happy is so much fun

relief

2011-11-03T18:50:00.000-05:00

oh it's been an ordeal
i succumed to getting the
NET
again here at the apt
and i told the helper
on the phone
"no, i have a modem that's not
even a year old, i'm good"
so service was connected
and no modem left
well.......
come to find out
my modem
that is less than 1 year old peeps
is out dated
and won't work in the apt
ahhhhhhhh
so i call
order new 100.00 modem
and it never shows up
apparently all systems were down
so i had to call back
and re.order

TA DA

today i have new modem
and am actually on line
my heart is beating a little fast
i've been lost
LOST
without my net
i randomly surf the net
instead of watching the tube
i surf when my kids sleep
and when i should be sleeping
but i can't help it
i love it
why
why you ask
because
i need to write
and this is my extension
and i love to
surf shop
you know shopping the
stores on the web
but never really buying anything
better than window shopping
cause the possibilities on the web
are
endless.....

so i'm relieved
to my beloved
net
back

yippee!

HOW

2011-10-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

it's been a while
i've been thinking
about the FIRST
day of the rest of my life

these questions came up

what do i want to do?
what do i love?
how can i make $ at it?

i wanna be a ________________

wowzers

i've been thinking
and thinking
and thinking
maybe i'm rushing this
maybe i'm jumping instead
of lightly treading
i've never been one to tread
lightly anywhere
i jump in full force
with
every single thing in my life

jumped into love
jumped into marriage
jumped into mommyhood
jumped into a job
any job
jumped into divorce
jumped into healing
jumped to right here
right now
and i'm completely
clueless

i don't have one answer for
those questions
not one
can you believe that?
i have words for almost
everything in my world
words are my friends

i'm tired
i'm emotional
and i simply
cannot jump
once more

i am treading lightly
really taking time to
SEE ME
and see what i want
what i love
(besides the obs peeps)
and how i can capitalize

HOW is a big deal
right this moment

i'm good with IF
made my peace with IF
now its HOW's turn
and HOW is gonna be
around awhile

IF

2011-10-21T07:53:00.001-05:00

today is the first day of the
REST of your life.....

are you happy?
are you doing something you love?
are you living up to your potential?

how would you answer these questions?

me....hmmmm

happy to me is like free falling
and so no
i am not happy right now
i am in a rut
i miss happy
she was a good friend

no, i am not doing what i love
i am stuck
i wanna create
dream
write
be my own boss
make enough money to live
and definitely love where i am

i most certainly do not
think i am living to my potential
i know i am capable of so much
more
and i want to invest in that more
explore it
embrace it and
live it

your turn
think about it

today IS the first day of the
REST of my life
it is time to make some changes

today

2011-10-20T11:21:00.000-05:00

is bittersweet
i'm filled with relief
pain, anger, sadness, happiness
a range of craziness

at 3pm today i will be
officially divorced

i have moved on
i stopped looking back a
long time ago

but it doesn't make this any
easier

half of my life
gone
with some papers and signatures

i'm ready for my new chapter
to write my own story
to be my own person
oh, i'm so ready

so today at 3 i sign away
the love and commitment i
had for one
and look toward the future
to the new loves and commitments
i've made

home is where you make it

2011-10-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

my new little abode
is a small apartment
big enough for the 3
and a half
musketeers

i'm busy making it mine
yesterday i found a dresser
my dresser
for only 40 bucks
its THE dresser i've searched for
love it and it fits perfect

i found some globes
cause i love other styles
i've seen with them
license plates are next

my house is like me
it marches to the beat of its
own drummer

i wanted to add pics
but i'm not sure how
since i'm still blogging
from my phone

sweet Monday won't come soon enough
the internet will be back

mud slinging

2011-10-17T16:49:00.000-05:00

oh i am so ready to sling some mud
i'm so tired of everyone else
getting to sling mud
but i'm supposed to be the good girl

good girls finish last in this world
and im tired of it

i'm tired of giving in
and allowing everyone else
to get their way
and i suffer

i'm tired of being taken advantage of
i'm tired of being the nice girl
i'm tired of being tired
of all this crap

i want to
SCREAM
on the inside i am
but
i have to put on a nice
face for my kids
because i don't want them
to stoop to mud slinging levels
just as i won't stoop

so go on
keep taking
and keep slinging
and keep doing what you
been doing

because in the end
you'll have to face God
and he won't be too
happy with your
mud slinging ways

thanks bloggity blog
for talking me down

i still feel anger
and the urge to mud sling
but i know
in my heart
God would want me to
continue
taking that high road

my new motto

2011-10-14T09:20:00.000-05:00

don't cry because its over
SMILE because it happened

i love these words
so much
my heart fills when i read them
my mind releases when i see them

in fact, i want these words on
my grave
read at my funeral
said to my children
over and over again

i needed these words for the
last 35 years

i remember dreading my
high school prom
i didn't date, didn't have a boyfriend
and i was not going alone
well i got a date
and we had soooo much fun
i remember spending the next
day crying because it was over
instead i should a been smiling
cause it happened

i cried for days, weeks, months
when my marriage crumbled
and maybe i had that right
but why waste that negative energy
when i could a been smiling cause
it happened
and we had love and 2
amazing kids

and now....i met someone
early summer
and he made me feel incredible
all those feelings i forgot i could feel
but it has come to an end
and its best for both of us
especially me
but i wanna cry
I wanna stay home in bed
and not think
but instead i'm out in the world
and i'm smiling because
it happened

life is truly what happens
when you are busy making other
plans

but it couldn't be any other way

so remember

don't cry because its over
SMILE because it happened

net & dish

2011-10-13T18:20:00.000-05:00

so i'm comparing
prices
for us to have
the net and the dish at
our new abode

i'm not pleased
with the service i recieved
at directv's partner for net
they were goofy
and plain rude
i want to speak to a professional

i miss my net
oh so much
it's my fav
way to blog
and i have so much to say
that's all jumbled in my mind
right now
and its stress
let me tell ya

but my kids
they miss disney
and the dish
since winter is coming
we will be spending more
time indoors
and at home
so i know the basics
won't cut it
they'll be running around
the apartment like mad men
and we have neighbors...

so i'm still without
both
and frustrated

i just want to be sure
we can make it
comfortably
without adding
another extra to the pile
of bills

lessons from an 8 year old

2011-10-09T18:27:00.000-05:00

oh my girl
is amazing
she has her faults
i'm the first to admit
and sometimes even point out

but all in all
she is AMAZING

she loves with all of her
little heart
all of her heart
she hurts with all
her little body
she feels deeply
she laughs joyfully
and she takes everything
inside and holds it

as most of you know
her daddy and i are divorcing
i don't want to be that mom
that girl
who takes the children away
or puts them in the middle
even though every fiber of my
being is asking "why do they love him
so after he left them?"

my daddy is super important
to me and i couldn't imagine
a day without him

miss E is daddy's girl
she loves him deeply
and no matter what
he's done she still
loves him with all her heart
and she doesn't see his wrong

i know you are all screaming at me
now
lady, let her love him
and i do
i want you to know i do
but today he put me to my limit

see i caved
my weekend was this one
he invited the kids to
go out of town to see
their other cousins
i allowed the kids to choose
of course miss E said yes
L said no
i asked for one thing
that miss E always be
with her daddy
(not thinking that was too big a request)
well today
i found out that
he took her into a lounge
and then left her with
another adult while she was swimming
(so he could return to the lounge)

needless to say i was angry
i couldn't hold my tongue
i pre.warned her i was going to talk to him
and when i did, she was sitting next to me

he of course didn't see anything wrong
with either thing
in fact i was later informed
"when they are with me we are going
to do what i want to do with them"
so i have no control
no parenting
no say so
it is what it is

but it's hard
i'm that momma bear
the one who's never allowed
her kids to be baby sat
their only care givers have been
me, him and my parents
on rare occasion they stay with my brother
and have had play dates
but
i don't leave them
they are my life
wrong or right
that is me

i'm freaking out right now
praying for God
to give me the strength
to let go
and let it be
pray that they are okay
in his hands and know
that God is always watching them
taking care of them

she taught me today
that her love knows
no mistakes
it's just pure
and there
she doesn't know what
daddy did as wrong
she only knows
she had so much fun
with him

so lessons are being learned
my 8 year old the teacher
oh how i wish i could still
see life her way

missing you

2011-10-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

i finally figured out how to
blog from my phone

yay me!

its been CRAZY
we moved into our little apt
we are still un.packing
disorganized to say the least
kids are slowly remembering
all that they do to help us be
on time in the morn
lucky is adjusting well
one day at a time

i'm anxious to bring out my
inner racheal ray
and cook them a meal
even tho i loathe cooking

i'm in NEED of a dresser
anyone be on the lookout
remember i'm poor

life still has some crazy
ups and downs
but i've learned the
RIDE is so worth it

i've missed writing
so so much

until next time

at the end of today

2011-09-29T21:13:00.000-05:00

i woke up feeling stress
this morning
i knew it was a busy day
and somethings i didn't want to face
but i forged on

the kids actually got along
on the ride to school
we made it with time to spare
(we usually run late....)

i got to work
and the day went smooth
which is always a benefit

off to meet the teacher
how can i say i was
frustrated
and talking with her
i have an ally
she wants nothing but
the best for my son
as do i
and together we are
going to
change his life

signing the lease
without a tear
that was a lot for me
i admit i'm scared
scared to go
scared to stay
but i see that
my children need this
i need this
my parents need this
and i'm okay
a huge weight is lifted
after signing the paperwork
no going back
until sept 30, 2012

i had a great talk with
a new great friend
here is what i want you to know
i fell in love with Jesus Christ
around march of eleven
he loves ME for me
he placed 2 angels in my life
and they brought me
to their church
where i found the complete
package
Jesus & his people
more angels
everyone has welcomed me
with open arms and love
i couldn't imagine
through that i am developing
a new friendship
i enjoy our talks
and am so thankful for our time
together
thank you for being my new friend
and listening to me ramble

at the end of the day
i'm curled up in bed
blogging about good things
great things
happy things
and it feels so good

six

2011-09-28T16:16:00.000-05:00

six unbelievable years
have passed
since my life changed forever
i became an auntie

this amazing little boy
is my nephew
he stole my heart
from the moment i held
him in my arms

the years have passed in the blink of an eye
it feels like just yesterday i was holding
him in my arms

at 6 hambone
you are strong willed
feisty
loving
joyful
and
spunky

you are in kindergarten
and it just doesn't seem
possible for you to be there
but you love it
and you keep doing better
each day
i love green days!
i'm so proud of you
i had no doubt you'd do it
and do it well

i love watching all the
little girls want hugs from you
i love that i get to see you
everyday after school
and hear about your day

i'm so very proud to be
your AUNTIE
my love for you knows no end
and it will never stop

happy
happy
happy
SIXTH
birthday
today!

i love you to the moon
everyday

i know i am the LUCKIEST auntie in the whole world!

the unknown

2011-09-27T16:57:00.000-05:00

i like most of you fear the unknown
my unknown
right now is
moving

yes, i am leaving the nest
AGAIN
and moving me and my kids
into an apartment
it's cute
it's affordable
it's gonna be ours
just the three of us
but
i'm scared
i'm anxious
i'm excited
i'm happy
i'm nervous
i'm ready
but am i
am i really ready?
i love the safety
of my parents
knowing they are here
knowing my kids have not
just me, but them too

i've never lived "alone"
i went from my parents
to my boyfriends
who became my husband
and then back to my parents

i'm ready to show my kids
what the 3 of us can do
so world, watch out
but i'm scared of the unknown
the noises
the apartment itself
the people i live by
all of it
plus, i've never lived in
an apartment
AAAACKKK

i'm searching the bible
for a verse to calm
me
to help me with the unknown
any suggestions
send my way

big weekend coming up

fate

2011-09-26T16:37:00.000-05:00

websters definition
fate: the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do: destiny

some believe in
fate

i believe in God
God predestined my
journey before i was born
God leads me on this path
knowing the outcome
before i ever started this walk
God is my fate
my destiny
and i know he'll take care of me
provide for me
and finish what he starts with me

it's hard to not sway toward fate
it seems easier to explain
to non believers
but i've walked that road
for 34 years and it was
lonely
quiet
cold
dusty
and
miserable

this path, this road
with God
is
full
clear
warm
inviting
and
amazing

i may not see Gods plan
and i may at times question it
but at the end of the day
when i lay my head down
and talk to God
i know that he is what is
perfect for me

so i ask you non believers
to consider your theory
on fate
may just be God working
in your life

want

2011-09-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

websters defines WANT
1: to be needy or destitute
2: to have or feel need
3: to be necessary or needed
4: to desire to come, go, or be

big word for me right now
four little letters
w
a
n
t

i want this
so very much
and the more its not
available to me
the more i want it
the more i desire it
the more destitute i become

i do not like being
needy
i do not enjoy wanting
what i cannot have
it leaves an uneasy
feeling in my heart
and mind

i want to move on
forward
past it
yet, alone
it pulls me in
and i can't shake it
it makes me do irrational
things

i'm spending a lot of time
with God about this
when i feel like being
irrational
i pray
when my thoughts creep
up
i pray
and so far
so good
it's been helping me
stay grounded
and focused on
ME
because i need to take
care of me

ME
ME
ME

so that i can be the
BEST
ME
there is to be

i pray that my want
goes away

happiness

2011-09-22T07:11:00.000-05:00

this week has been trying

i am trying to keep this
thought in my mind

happiness cannot be from others
it has to be from within

do you know i knew this to my core
when i was 17
i spoke it to many friends
many times
i thought my girls were silly
for wanting a boy around
we had so much fun single
i had so much fun single
i was so incredibly happy

lately....you know where this is going
i've been searching
reaching
looking
for a boy
a boy to spend free time with
a boy to wrap his arms around me
a boy to care for me
a boy to take me out on the town
and
i've met a lot of unworthy boys
i've been hurt by them
because as i mentioned before
i give a piece of me
i get in a slump
feeling sorry for myself
because i'm alone

can you really say you know how
it feels to be alone in a crowded room?
for everyone around you to be married?
it sucks
SUCKS

but i am finding me
that girl that knew it was silly
to depend on a boy
she sure was a smart 17 year old

i wish i knew why i stuffed her down
inside of me
and buried her

together we are finding
OUR
happiness
in the face of this new life
this new adventure

i do believe that life
truly is an adventure
and opportunity is around
every corner

i just have to open my eyes
and follow Jesus......

inspiration

2011-09-21T07:29:00.002-05:00

i have a lot on my mind
too much
i am trying to process it
but a little fact about me
that i've tried to hide
but is now going to be
public knowledge
is
i am a loner
when things get tough
i hide inside myself
i want no one around
because i don't want to
bring them down with me

i've been trying to focus
on these words to help me

we spend more time comparing ourselves
than BEING ourselves

God doesn't tolerate you He
celebrates you

God ALWAYS finishes
what He starts

step out in faith

God always provides
where he guides

inspiration if i'd say
and i am saying

i'm thinking of tattooing
these words on my brain

step out in faith
do you know how hard that is for me
this moment i feel as if i'm on the edge
of a cliff and am ready to jump
there is no one there to pull me back
because i've pushed them away
and if i step out
will faith build that bridge
and not allow me to fall?

God always finishes what he starts
oh please let this one be the only truth
i know God has a plan for me
but He's not great at clues
and i'm not patient
so please, God hear me when i say
i need a small hint, a small reach
and i will allow you to finish in your time

comparing
who doesn't compare themselves?
who is not being honest here?
i am so guilty of this one
i think i'm not good enough
i'd be better if
or i should be more like
it's a tough road to walk
because i spend more time on IF
than on enjoying my talents
my specialities
my awesomeness
i know it's in there
i've seen glimpses of it
i am amazing
i just need to believe it every single day

providing where guiding
my amazing pastor said this
many times during Sundays service
i wept
okay, whom i kidding i cried like a baby
i felt God speaking to me during the
entire service
but i still question it
it's a silly thing
because God has gotten me this far
in such a short time
to have forgiveness for
someone that hurt me deeply
and he will continue to guide
and provide
i just have to allow him

up and down

2011-09-20T07:25:00.000-05:00

i'm wondering why
when my heart is full and
soaring
i can't express it here
i try
but the words seem to fail me
yet
when i'm hurting and in pain
and questioning everything
the words seem to pour
out of me

i do have really amazing days
and moments every single day
i wish the words would come
for those moments
as easily

pain is easier to express
i guess
for me this is my
therapy
for getting it all out
letting go of it
allowing God to see my
writing
even though he sees so much
more inside
things i won't let out here
and
i'm sure he sees my happiness
too
and when i'm praising him
i know he hears me

my words always come
from my heart
i am that girl
the one you know
who wears her heart on her sleeve
if i meet you
if i like you
which i generally like everyone
you get a sliver of my heart
because that's me
do i get hurt deeply because of it
sure, i do
but i don't want to change
because without love
i don't know who i am
i love love
i crave love
i need love
and
i want to give love
in an abundance
if i shut down
i will be nothing but a shell
of a person

i did learn this weekend
that my body is like a
castle
surrounding me is a mote
my arm represents the
drawbridge
i NEED to meet people
at the end of that drawbridge
before letting them in
before giving them a sliver
of me
why?
because i'm worth it
God made me and he
says i'm worth it

so i'm a work in progress
i truly hope to express
more ups
and less downs
as the days pass
but there will be downs
i'm human after all

today i'm leaving you with
a few things i'm truly thankful for

God, never giving up, never walking out
L and miss E, for their unconditional love and their cute little faces
my life
my amazing family
my incredible friends
my church family

God's intentions

2011-09-19T07:13:00.000-05:00

have you ever sat and thought
about what God has intended for you?

lately, it's ALL i think about
i have a lot of questions
i want answers
but i know that isn't always
the path He takes
He knows what is best for me
but there are times when it's
so hard to see that
leap of faith
and trust

my Pastor's sermon
this weekend was
all about trust
for the first time
since March 6
i cried during a service
couldn't stop the tears
God was speaking
directly to me

i have to let go of
my trust issues
and TRUST in Him
walk behind Him,
follow the path He
has for me
and to stop being
so stubborn
and trying to pass
him or make my own
path

there are moments
where i feel like i'm drowning
in a sea of confusion
i get so angry and hurt
broken
i want to know why this?
or why that?
what did i do?
i'm trying so hard to
understand
that He will reveal my path
when He is ready
and when he feels i'm ready

over the weekend retreat
a skit was performed
a mother caught up
on appearances was telling
her daughters to work on
theirs...complete with make up
and image
saying they'd never find a husband
one daughter stood up to mom
saying that she knew
the husband God created for her
before she was born was out there
it just wasn't time to find him
WOW
do you believe that?
that God has one intended person
for each of us
the skit went on for that same
girl to stop some co.workers
from gossiping
and then she met up with her
sisters in Christ and that is how
it ended
the message intended was
well recieved
we have to bring Glory to
God in all we do

i just wish God would
reveal some of his intentions
for me
especially when i'm struggling
to keep going
struggling to feel His prescence
i hope He knows how much
i need Him

amazement

2011-09-18T10:16:00.000-05:00

what a weekend
friday
i left for a womens retreat
with 3 amazing women
we met up with
26 more amazing
women from our
church
and in total there
were 260 amazing women
at the retreat

it was in one word
AMAZING

our guest speaker
was
the amazing Tina Hutchison
her words made me laugh
cry and feel so incredible
and her voice
oh her singing is
beyond amazing

she said
every relationship you have
builds off the ONE you have
with God

and that God already has
a (insert name you compare yourself too)
he wants you to be you

and the forgiveness she speaks
of
amazing
i wish i could share those words
with everyone i meet
everyone i know

i've talked about some
of the topical issues
that have went on this past summer
and that is all the deeper i will go
with this blog
but i made some really poor
choices
you can interpret that anyway you
want
but i learned about me
about life
and more about God in the process
band aids are cover ups only
they don't heal you
the shield the wound

my wound needed shielding
i walked a line of sin and shame
shielding my wound
my heart
me
from the world
and it covered up alright
but when the band aid came off
the wound was still there
and if i'm completely honest
is still a little there
my chapter, my marriage
isn't over yet
it will be soon
paperwork
and i work everyday
on forgiveness
i forgive him
i forgive me
and my wound gets better
God never left me
i don't know that he approved
of what i was doing
but at the end of the day
he was there
holding me
listening to me
seeing me

and i'm grateful that i found
him this year
because without God
i'd be lost

and without some friends
(you know who you are)
i'd be even more lost
they say things i don't want to hear
but NEED to
and i know it's out of love

my road to being a Christian
has took some wild turns
i was truly broken
beyond anything i could imagine
and Jesus stepped in
i was on the right track
i was baptized, publicly
declaring my love for Jesus
my certainty for him
then something happened
and poor choices were all
i could make
i thought of no one or nothing
other than me
that is not me
ever
in 34 years
but i found myself again
right around my 35th
i took a good look in the mirror
and said
do you like who you see?
are you glorifying God?
are you listening to those who love
you for you?
and since 35
i've made some changes
i've said goodbye to some
past habits
i've been approved for an apartment
and will be moving soon
i've went to my first womens retreat
i've decided today
it is time for me
working on me again
not abondoning L and miss E
but becoming the best me i can be
for me and for them
i'm done with trying to find
a male friend
(there i said it out loud)
i'm DONE with MEN
for a while. DONE!!

so to my girls
i'm gonna need you
i'm gonna text you
i'm gonna call you
and i hope you don't
get sick of me
because it's gets real lonely
without L and miss E

oh what a day

2011-09-15T07:25:00.000-05:00

wednesday
i don't know that you
are my favorite day
things usually happen
to me on wednesday

my son got bit by my dog
on a wednesday
i got into a car accident
(yeah, i know which one)
on a wednesday
and yesterday
a wednesday
my car decided to
not start
not turn from lock
not do anything
so i had to have it towed
and today
they still don't know why
it did that
it started right up for them
wouldn't you know it
but they kept it to keep
testing it

so today i'm stranded
i had to call in a favor
to get my kids to school
and will wait for them
to call about my car

yet
on top of all those
wednesday havocs

i had a great day
i had a great night
i smiled a lot
and i like smiling

smiles

2011-09-13T21:54:00.000-05:00

do you ever smile so
much that your jaw hurts
do you ever feel great enough
to smile all of the time
do you love to smile

yes
yes
and
yes

i cannot stop smiling
i don't want it to end
ever

i feel the best when
i wear my smile

smile
at everyone you meet
they will smile back
and if they don't
smile bigger

smile

be true to you

2011-09-12T21:12:00.000-05:00

it's been a journey
this year
along the way
i've learned about
ME
you know the girl
i forgot or
misplaced
in the last 15 years
wow
she's kinda amazing
she's funny
she's smart
she can be a smart ass
she has an amazing smile
she knows what she wants
it make take her a moment
to put on a brave face
and ask for it
but she does
she isn't afraid
of being HER
and she goes after what she wants
she fights for the things that are important
she stands up for her

along the way she got lost
she went from a daughter
to a wife
and forgot to remember her
then she became a mother
and her
went out the window
for many, many years
but she's climbing her way
up and out

she's had some amazing support
along the way
she's met some incredible
people along the way
and continues to grow
and flourish

it's like coming back
from the dead
and living again

so if you learn
anything from me
from reading this ramble
always
always
be true to you

ten years

2011-09-11T09:04:00.000-05:00

no one will ever forget

my story

i had just had a baby on july 10th

i was home showering

he was sleeping peacefully

my dad called

he couldn't find my mom

she was at the doctor

he told me to turn on the tv

so i did

the today show

there are no words for what i thought

or felt

but i picked up my sleeping baby

and held him in my arms

he didn't leave my arms

for many days after

there are no words for the lost

lives and survivors

except

we will never forget

with GOD all things are possible

2011-09-07T21:54:00.000-05:00

this statement hangs in my pastors office
on the podium where he gives his sermons
on my printer at work
always on my mind

with GOD
ALL
things are possible

i'm needing this statement
to be more true than ever
right now

i'm in a battle
that i don't think i can win
and the only people that are
going to be hurt
are two very innocent
loving, wonderful
people
who happen to be
my entire life

i didn't want this battle
i didn't ask for this battle
but from the moment of
conception
i knew i'd fight
until there is no breath
left inside of me
and i'm ready

there will be no victory
in this battle
only pain and suffering
LOSS
yet i cannot talk
sense into my opponent
i cannot get him to see
the pain, suffering and
harm it is doing
to the 2 very best
things we ever did together

so
GOD
with you ALL
things are possible

i need you now more than
ever before
protect all the parties
involved
we all need you
but mostly
protect
the two innocents
who never asked for any of
this to be brought in their
sweet lives
and do not deserve
pain and suffering

wrong

2011-09-05T17:28:00.000-05:00

do you know when you've done something
and it's wrong?
you know deep within you it's wrong
and yet you can't stop it
inside your screaming STOP
pull the brake
make this not happen
yet it happens anyway

or
when people assume you've done
something
and their mind starts spinning
about all the bad, wrong
things you've done
and no matter how you defend
yourself
no matter how truthful it is
they still don't believe you

or
you don't ask if its true
you just assume it is
and it stews inside of you
thinking about this or that
and you continually
grow more and more
annoyed or disappointed
with that person

ALL of these situations are wrong
wrong, wrong, wrong

i've made mistakes
and guess what
i'm a make a lot more
before i find my way in this world
but if you ask
i will tell you the truth
i made a HORRIBLE choice
one time and lied
it has haunted me ever since
i will never do it again
and i am going to try hard
to not assume and ask
asking always results in
better outcomes

so please
if i make a mistake
stand beside me
i will confess
if i say i've done
something then its
the truth
and if i judge you
then i am truly sorry

i am trying to not be wrong
please don't be wrong

ahh, Sunday

2011-09-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

my favorite day of the week

church in the a.m.
always makes my day
start better
my pastors voice
his sermons
seeing my friends
i love it
today miss E joined me
she makes me love it more
she sung her little heart out
to all the songs
which made me sing
i loved every minute of it

then there is lazy Sunday
afternoons
which are my fave
laying around
watching a movie
enjoying being together

today it has been beautiful out
yesterday it rained all day
and it brought in some
amazing weather
it's a perfect day

today pastor said
change in an inch is a cinch
(or something close to that)
it got me thinking
how true that is
when we dump a mound
of change on someone (ME)
i can't handle it
i freak
i close up
i shut down
i stop asking for help
but if i do change slowly
by the inch
it will be a cinch

there isn't a Sunday that passes
that i don't take some lesson
from his sermons
to apply to my life
amazing

God is great!
Sunday's are my days.

Happy Labor Day!

family

2011-09-02T07:08:00.002-05:00

my grandma's fam
had a reunion over the past weekend

my grandma's family who attended
missing: my kids, my parents, my brother & his fam
3 cousins & their fams, 2 husbands, 3 little cousins

this is all of us who attended
this is my dads side of the fam
(i WISH my ma's side would do this
but we're much smaller than this..)

i met cousins i didn't know about
saw my grandma's sisters that
i haven't seen forever
it was a nice time

it makes me want to know more
about this fam who came from
my great grandpa
(who i share a day of birth with)
and my great grandma
(who i loved dearly and was with when she passed)
and my beloved grandma's sisters

my grandma had 2 brothers
one who passed before i was born
the other i ADORED
i thought of him as my grandpa
(i didn't have a real relationship with my actual grandpa)
i went to missouri once with him, his wife and my grandma
we had a lot of fun
he was a GREAT man

my grandma had 6 sisters
and they are as unique as
night and day
my favorite, sorry ladies,
was Charlotte
i knew her the best
she was like a second grandma
but i truly love each of them
because they are amazing

the sisters, without Charlotte who passed away and Judy who wasn't able to come.

i treasure family
when the chips are down
they are there
when the sun shines
they are there
i wouldn't have it any other way

i'm thankful my grandma came from
a big family
and i have a big family to enjoy

(secret....i would have LOVED
to have 10 kids...easily)

happy snappers, caught us before we were complete. my uncle, my 2 sweet cousins, my grandma (me saying we aren't complete yet) and my aunt and uncle

the day

2011-09-01T06:58:00.002-05:00

wow
i awoke to breakfast in bed
courtesy of my son, L
toast and a small glass of milk
(i detest milk..but he tried)
i drank it just for him
he even let the dog out
(a chore i am not crazy about)

then birthday wishes all through
the day
facebook
in person
texts
emails
miss E dancing wishing me
happy birthday

one of my most fave
a card with
auntie on the envelope
in HIS handwriting
my first nephew
i love that boy
to infinity and beyond
he signed it for baby brother
too

i made the rainbow cake
it wasn't as pretty as the
original
but it was fun.filled

my mama made my
FAVORITE
dinner
fried chicken
mashed potatoes
noodles
green beans
and instead of cake
this year i wanted
applie pie and
vanilla ice cream
and she delivered

and you know
even though my list
isn't complete
and even though
the festivities were
low key
i am very, very lucky

there comes a time
when you realize
that your focus needs
to be on what you HAVE
instead of what you don't
or what you want.....

i realized today
(and a lot of days the last 6 months)
that i have 4 of the GREATEST
people in the world that adore me
for no reason than
i am me
i have an amazing set of parents
an awesome baby brother & s.i.l
and a very, very wonderful
family and friends
my heart is overjoyed
with all the love i recieved
today

to quote a great man,
life is what happens when your busy making other plans

thirty FIVE together

2011-08-31T07:07:00.001-05:00

as it would be i have never truly
been alone
my SOUL sister was born
minutes before/after me
(i can't remember, i'm old)
we believe our mama's may
have been in the same big
maternity room
cause you see we were born
at the same hospital
on the same day

even though we didn't officially
meet until years later
our bond was instanteneous
we are truly sisters in soul
we are a like in many many ways
she understands when i don't say a word
i feel what she is feeling
i love her to the moon and back

she amazes me daily
she used to work at the zoo
handling the elephants
this is one of her prized friends

then life happened
one day she felt ill
headaches
and the next we know
it's CANCER
i don't want to relive the deets
today on our day of birth
but i thought....i was loosing my
soul sister
i was so scared
you see i don't ever want to know
a world without her

but alas, us virgo babies
we smile through it all
it's the only way
Cancer didn't win this time
and there isn't a day that goes
by that i'm not eternally
thankful my soul sister is still
here with me
(even though she lives far..away)

so soul sister
never forget
what you are to me
you inspire me
you make me laugh
you make me feel
not alone
even miles apart
you have made my life
so much brighter
since you entered it
to the moon and back
today, tomorrow and
always

happy 35th to US!

her sweet family a few years back

almost 35

2011-08-30T20:57:00.000-05:00

three hours
until the big
3 5
and my list isn't complete
it makes me sad
but i did give myself
until the end of
eleven to complete it
i enjoyed this challenge
so much
i'm a make a list for
next year
even though 36 isn't
as monumental to me

so thirty five
i hoped for something
magical
but alas
that is for disney
and not for me

my day of birth
always falls over
labor day weekend
which makes it hard
to have festivities
peeps are busy
with their fams
and their activities
i'm used to it now
after all, 35 years is
A LONG, LONG
time

my birth day was an actual
TUESDAY
they say
Tuesday's child is full of GRACE
huh, my mom's name is grace
fitting?
i came into the world of a morning
more than likely screaming my lungs out
i am not positive who was waiting to meet me
i do know my daddy was there
but he was not allowed to see me enter
the world
old school rules and all

my life has been pretty
special
and even
a bit
magical

so there disney....

until the actual day of birth...tata

changing lanes

2011-08-29T16:47:00.000-05:00

life can be compared to a highway
two lanes
a fast one
and a slow one

i drove in the slow lane
for quite a big chunk
of my life
i did things by the book
i followed the rules
i played their games
inside i was screaming
to be free

creativity is genius
at its best

i changed lanes a few months back
moved fast
threw the book out the window
didn't follow any rules
didn't play regular games
and i was still screaming
inside

ignoring yourself is
stupidity at its worst

with that i've decided
that i will still read the book
occasionally
i will follow some rules
and i will play some games
but i will move at MY SPEED
not too slow and not too fast

i will create more
and ignore less
i will write
and write
until i have something
i believe can be read
by the entire world
(much different from this, right?)
and i will send it off to be
published
and you will love it

and i will create again
and again

i will never stop changing lanes
never be content again
with the mundane

DREAM BIG!
CHANGE LANES OFTEN!!

dream BIG

2011-08-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

where do i begin?

i'm a new Christian
i was baptized july 10
i trusted in Jesus months before that

yet i became lost
i drifted from my church
the last 2 weeks
i thought i had it figured out
i thought i could do it alone
i thought as long as i still
trusted and talked to God
i was okay
but
I WAS LOST!
i was broken again
i made weak choices
choices that didn't glorify God
but temporarily took my hurt
away

i finished my last class today with
my pastor
it was the perfect ending for being lost
and found......

i found my way back
i walked back through the doors
and was welcomed
as before
Jesus never walked away
even when my choices were
mistakes
i could feel his prescence always
i made a choice to not listen
which i now realize was not
in my best interest

i tried to band.aid my wounds
and they didn't heal
they were temporarily covered
but i'm ready to let them heal fully

at the end of service today
my pastor said
DREAM BIG!
and God bless

it caused me to think about
my DREAMS
dreams i've put on hold
for this or for that

it's time i started
fulfilling dreams
and living out dreams

i can't wait for this next chapter

truly the BEST friends

2011-08-27T07:34:00.001-05:00

i know you probably all think you
have the best friends in the world
but seriously
i KNOW
i have the BEST friends
in the entire world

they truly are one of a kind
so that must mean that
i'm kinda special...
to have met them
and kept them in my life

one of my BEST sent this to me via facebook

i need to print it
and post it
EVERYWHERE i go
i need to read it until i can recite it
word for word

jumbled up

2011-08-26T15:57:00.000-05:00

this is ramble
be warned...

its 5 days until i turn 35
i still have many
things to do
i have 2 full days to get
a few done
and the rest
well, we will see

my kids survived day 2
they pick at each other non
stop once they get in the car
until bedtime
it makes me a little crazy
thankful for football right now
it seperates them
and wears out the main picker

the weekend is here
usually the time where i get
a little stir crazy
and lonely
but this weekend we have
football
and possibly the drive in
to keep our minds busy bees

that's all for now...
mind is racing
and i can't quite seem to
write it down...

back to school

2011-08-25T21:06:00.000-05:00

another school year upon us
i am now momma to
a 3rd and 4th grader
i ask you
where did the time go?
if i blink they'll be a
junior and senior in high school
then it will be their
University of Iowa graduation
(yes, momma's hoping)
and then, gasp,
their wedding days

these last 10 and 8 years
have flown by
they are my miracles
i live every day for them
even when i make poor choices
my mind is never far from them

my world.....

to the moon and back

here's to a fantastic school year!

ode to my friends

2011-08-24T07:24:00.003-05:00

you know who you are
this is for you
all of it

you mean the world to me
i love you
truly
you have touched my life
in ways i could never imagine
you walk beside me
stand up for me
stand up TO me
said what i needed to hear
even when i didn't want to hear it
love me when i'm unlovable
talk to me when i'm unresponsive
hug me even when i push away

i thank you
thank you
thank you
from the top of my head
to the tips of my toes

my world would not
be the same without you
so never stop
keep doing what you do
keep me on my toes

i may be stubborn
i may anger you
i may even laugh
but i will always treasure
your friendship

and that is what i will begin
celebrating today

fallen

2011-08-22T07:56:00.002-05:00

this is hard to write
but i feel it has to be written
especially after my emptiness
post yesterday

by the way friends, i love you
for worrying and for sending happy
words my way

here's todays topic
fallen
falling
fall

what do you do when you fall?

i've fallen
and i'm banged up
bruised
beaten
and hurt

but the falling
was wonderful
it was opening a new
present every single day
to see what was
waiting

then the crash came
i knew it was coming
i caused it
i expected it
i anticipated it

but last minute
there was shift in the
crash
and i was caught off guard
not sure what to do
so i fell a little more

now the fall is done
the crash is over
and i'm left with the
bruises

i regret little about this fall
that i may not have been
completely up front
but the rest
i would do it all again
to experience the fall

i only wish the person
i wanted to catch me
would be there.....

emptiness

2011-08-21T07:50:00.001-05:00

to be empty
is a lonely place to be
you walk around with a smile
on your face to hid
because you don't want people
to see the emptiness
that lingers through you
that slowly eats away at you

you do things you never
thought you do
trying to fill that emptiness
and for a while
those things work
but then they start to
hurt
they start to not even
touch the emptiness
and your left with
yourself
and a mirror

do you like what you see?

i'm empty
i've done somethings
i'm not proud of
ashamed actually
but for the moment
that thing was filling
and swallowed the emptiness
until it was over
then the emptiness raged
it beat me up again
and down
and trys to overcome me

i know i am strong
i've found strength
inside of me through
JESUS
that i never knew i had
but the emptiness
sometimes swallows my strength
and i even feel Jesus fading

i'm calling for a truce
between me and the emptiness
it's a battle i will win
i have love
strength
and support
but most importantly i have
Jesus.

in 4 days it will be exactly
6 months since my life changed
FOREVER
i know the emptiness will rage
that day
and the days before
and after
but eventually
i will overcome it

thirty SIX

2011-08-20T07:58:00.002-05:00

shout out a
happy thirty sixth birthday
to my friend &
cousin.in.law

she married my cousin
and became my friend
i call her my friend
more than i call her my cousin.in.law

she's been there for me
she's cheered me on
she's supported me
i'm happy and
blessed to call her
my friend

happy. happy. birthday!

her beautiful fam

35 things & 12 days left

2011-08-19T06:29:00.002-05:00

here's where i'm at....
1 ride on the back of a motorcycle around town
7 move
9 save $ to buy this ? (brave heart necklace)
13 walk a mile
14 go to a drive.in movie
16 pedicure with miss E
21 make this yumminess (rainbow cake)25 see an Iowa Hawkeye football game live
28 read 10 books on my kindle...4 down, reading #5
31 print my pictures from shutterfly (over 1000 prints..)
35 be happy with who i am

so i NEED to get busy
cause there are only so many days left
of August
and i'll be 35 (really, where has life gone)
before I know it

i know #25 will NOT be completed
by aug 31
but the rest i am sure can
be accomplished

any one want to help?

romantic comedy

2011-08-18T07:15:00.001-05:00

i love romantic comedies
some of my faves are
50 first dates
knocked up
27 dresses

yet the recurring theme
in most of these movies
is at the end
the guy is always head over heels
in love with the girl

that doesn't happen in real life
and it's a bit ridic
that it ends up on the big screen
make it real hollywood

make the guy run away and
never look back
or the girl so broken she can't see
the great guy in front of her

i know, i know
we love the fairytale of movies
the possibility that anything is
possible

so i will continue to watch
my romantic comedies
in fact i saw
crazy, stupid, love
at the theater alone

perception
i just think hollywood
should be a more
like real life

no expectations
no rules
no one gets hurt

what i wore

2011-08-17T07:23:00.002-05:00

what i wore wednesday

thursday
black t & grey tank - old navy
grey striped pants - lane bryant
bracelets made by me
shoes - lane bryant

friday

brown t and tank - old navy

bracelet - made by a friend

jeans - silver rolled to capris

flips - flojos

tuesday

green shirt & white tank - old navy

brown pants - lane bryant

bracelets made by me

shoes - avenue

you know i wear the same things

over and over again

i rotate a lot

i'm a creature of habit

and i'm okay with that

enjoy!

where's the chatter.er been?

2011-08-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

where oh where has the chatter.er been?

busy
crazy
and had a few
sickies

i can't even tell you what i've been
busy with
yet i have been
i have made some interesting
new friends
i love my old ones so much
but i love meeting new ones
one has changed my life
one is teaching me a lesson
while i think i'm teaching one too
and one well surprises the socks off me

crazy, oh that's a whole
different realm
my head is moving faster
than my fingers can type
my thoughts jumble together
and i can't seem to write them down
after a whole day of chasing thoughts
i'm exhausted
and therefore no blog gets posted

then both miss E and L have
been sickies
miss E had bronchitis
L had an ear infection
fun times
but i am so THANKFUL i
get to be with them when they
don't feel good
momma loves a good cuddle bug

i'm going to try harder
and blog more
i miss my outlet
my writing